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READ: Senator David Watters Testimony in Opposition to House Bill 103

Senator David Watters Testimony in Opposition to House Bill 103, on potentially objectionable materials on human sexuality in education and two-week parental notification for removal of students from class. 

Senate President and Colleagues, 

I have received a draft letter from the principal of the Grace Metalious Middle School, Peyton Place, NH, to parents and guardians.  It bears the seal of the town, a dirty book and the motto, “E Pluribus Ignoramus.”

Dear Peyton Place School Family, 

     Given the expected passage of HB 103, we have decided to be proactive in providing notice of new policies on potentially objectionable materials on human sexuality.  When it comes to this bill and to education, we quote our founder Grace, “it’s like turning over a rock with your foot–all kinds of strange things crawl out.”  We are committed in Peyton Place schools to inclusiveness, so to avoid any student missing even one class, and because we can’t trust teachers to silence students who might want to discuss objectionable subjects spontaneously, we hereby give notice that no potentially objectionable human sexuality will be taught.  Taxpayers will be pleased that we won’t have to send out letters every day starting two weeks before the school year begins.

     Our students will happily sing with the Soul Stirrers, “Don’t know much biology,” since abstinence from education keeps little minds clean.  Parents are assured that none of their children’s classmates may know about menstruation , masturbation, intercourse, condoms, good touch, bad touch, IUDs, STDs, pregnancy, consent, rape, gender, or orgasm, so when it comes to sex in Peyton Place, ignorance is bliss. 

     We know that vigilance is essential to keeping potentially objectionable materials out of all courses, so I will briefly list actions in other subjects. 

     History will erase human failing, students won’t the Founding fathers be remembering. Old lightening rod Ben, Burr, Tom pursuing happiness with Dally, and 5 little Hemmings, these we will be condemning. Checkmate Buchanan’s White House man dates, impeach adulterers, roving Grover, Harding, FDR, Eisenhower–the list goes on, better take a cold shower-Jack in the sack, Willie’s willy, Let’s hopeT—-p’s in a slump. 

     History will be clean as Plymouth Rock without Bradford and buggery, Anne Hutchinson’s monstrous birth, Abenakis and eugenics.

     We’ll put a hex on interracial sex, miscegenation that birthed a nation, Rolfe and Pocahontas, age 15, some Loving in Virginia. So bon voyage, slave ship, Frederick Douglass’s aunt raped and whipped, no strange fruit, no blacker the berry.

     Don’t fear patrician, Betty Friedan’s in the can, Stonewall’s queens won’t be seen, Roe v. Wade in the shade, transgender off the agenda. 

     Language arts without private parts, books not so gay without Louisa May and Whitman, no Color Purple, Jimmy Baldwin. 

     Be sure our library is where the Wild Things aren’t, no Seuss, Mother Goose, Lautrec, Toulouse, no Springsteen, Bruce, Lady Day won’t have her say, Caged Bird Maya won’t sing, keep away from Tolkien’s Ring, Tupac’s bling, Appalachian Spring. 

     We’ve cooked the American songbook. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, we’ll toss, Tolling Stones and the Boss will gather no moss, Dylan will be chillin’, no

“get born, keep warm

Short pants, romance, learn to dance

Get dressed, get blessed

Try to be a success

Please her, please him, buy gifts

Don’t steal, don’t lift

Twenty years of schoolin’

And they put you on the day shift

Look out kid

They keep it all hid”

     And we will keep it all hid at Grace’s burg, Forget about Frank, Duke, and Byrd. Gag GaGa and Madonna–the one like a Virgin.

     And now I’ve completed my little sermon.  What we’ll teach, let Concord design. When the bell rings, I resign.